Top 10 Resolutions for Generation Zs

10. Realize that sexy vampires and werewolves don’t exist no matter how much I want them to.

9. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth!

8. Get dressed before noon.

7. Less Twitter, more Facebook!

6. Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom.

5. Prepare for zombies.

4. Prepare for dating in a zombie world.

3. Prepare for gainful employment…in a zombie world.

2. Learn to drive.

1. Learn to drive on roads filled with
zombies. 

Top 10 Resolutions for Men

10. Find out why all my clothes have shrunk. Again.

9. Read that book, “Stop Procrastinating” that I bought three years ago.

8.  Figure out why supermodels don’t want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.

7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)

5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics with ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That’s attractive, right?

4. Mention in eHarmony how I’m a great date and can double-tap a zombie.

3. Stock up on beer.

2. Stock up on condoms just in case!

1. Get a job.

Top 10 Resolutions for Women

10. Get some better outfits.

9. Hit the gym for real this year.

8. Diet.

7. Cut back on lattes.

6. Take charge.

5. Travel more!

4. Believe in myself.

3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!

2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.

1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.